Sep
10
2008
0

The End of the World: A To Do List

or… What Would Ferris Bueller Do?

Did the apocalypse take you by surprise?  Not to worry!  Once you’re done with the obligatory crying, rending of hair, and gnashing of teeth, I’ve got a handy-dandy itinerary. You may want to print this one out and keep it on you for the rest of the day.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.                                     – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Strap in.  Its going to be a busy day.

  1. Get up and drink as much coffee as you can tolerate.  If you didn’t do everything on the list from yesterday, try to take care of some of that stuff now.  Put on your costume (you did buy the costume yesterday, right?) and let’s get started.

    Pimp Hat

    Pimp Hat

  2. Call everyone you know – party at your house!

    Party House

    Party House

  3. Rent a Lamborgini or Ferarri.  Don’t spring for the extra insurance scam.  No matter what happens today, you’re not returning it in one piece.

    Lamborghini

    Lamborghini

  4. Drive in the carpool lane.  Top down, no seatbelt.  Why not have a drink?

    Beer Hat

    Beer Hat

  5. Try something totally new.  Color your hair, get a tattoo, a piercing.  Remember: There is no such thing as politically incorrect any more.  How about a baby seal burger?

    Baby Seal Burger

    Baby Seal Burger

  6. Try something dangerous.  Bungie jump, skydive, or swim with the sharks.  Better yet, find a way to do all three at once – time’s a wastin’!

    Skydiving and Bungie Jumping with Sharks

    Skydiving and Bungie Jumping with Sharks

  7. Overpay and overtip EVERYWHERE you go.  Have fun passing out money like its going out of style!

    Money

    Money

  8. Attend party at your house.  This is where the caterers, fireworks, and champagne come in handy.

    Party House

    Party House

  9. Hookers for everyone!

    Happy Spitzer

    Happy Spitzer

  10. Last meal:  Whatever you want to eat and drink, but you might as well try fugu too.

    Fugu - Blowfish

    Fugu - Blowfish

I like to think that Ferris Bueller would have approved of this plan.

If, by some truly freak occurrence, the Earth doesn’t get swallowed up by a black hole and we’re not stuck in a time loop, check back in tomorrow morning for a list of things ways to deal with the consequences of living like there’s no tomorrow.

Sep
09
2008
0

End of the World Survival Guide

or…  The Apocalypse Can Be Fun!

Almost Midnight

Almost Midnight

Yesterday I mentioned how the CERN project is going to fire up its Large Hadron Collider on Wednesday September 10, 2008.  Several lawsuits have been filed (most in the US even though the project is located in Switzerland and France) to stop the machine from being turned on.  Here are some of the allegations:

  • It will create “strangelets” that will convert all other matter in the universe into “strangelets.”
  • It will create a black hole that will swallow up the Earth.

And, my PERSONAL favorite:

  • It will create a hole in space where where time becomes stuck in an infinite loop.

However infinitesimal, you have to admit the possibility that one of the above will happen.  Here’s a list of things you can do today to prepare for the world (maybe) ending tomorrow:

  1. Save your breath and don’t work out today.
  2. Eat fatty greasy salty food.  Garlic, onions, beans – go nuts!
  3. Take up smoking, drinking, and a drug of your choice.
  4. Tell your boss what you really think about them.[1]
  5. Leave work early today and don’t show up ever again!  (Or, kill two birds with one stone and do this at the same time as #4).
  6. Shred your will and cancel all insurance policies.
  7. Credit is your friend.  Apply for every line of credit you can.  Call your credit card company and see if you can raise your credit limits.
  8. Things to buy: an air horn, fireworks, a megaphone, a costume (favorite super hero, movie star, pirate, etc), a lot of champagne, and a beer hat.
  9. Book a caterer for tomorrow.  Sure, its last minute, but money is no object, right?
  10. Call your mom – she worries.

Be prepared to stay up late tonight and get up early tomorrow.  You’re not going to want to waste any daylight.  The next blog post will be at 5am. Set your alarm and check back here bright and early for your itinerary.

Get ready to party like its 1999.

  1. Steve, buddy, you gotta work on your golf game. []

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