A friend of mine is an Applicant’s attorney who uses dictation software with his work computer. 1 As you may know, dictation and voice recognition software is pretty good – but it is not always successful. My friend, I’ll call him “Tom,”2 was sending an e-mail demand for medication to a defense attorney using his dictation software. The software got the phrase wrong, but given that the result was extremely entertaining, he sent it anyway.
What was his demand, you may ask?
Medication for his client’s “reptile dysfunction.” 3
Researchers at University of Rochester Medical Center have apparently found that the dye in blue M&M’s can lessen the secondary effects of spinal injuries.2 Those mice that received the injections of this blue dye recovered the ability to walk, and those without the injections did not. The only side effect reported was, I kid you not, that the mice turned blue.
You can’t make this stuff up. Anyhow, here’s the first ten jokes that occurred to me after reading that article:
The blue M&M’s replaced the tan M&M’s in 1995 when it was discovered the tan ones caused spinal injuries.3
Not to be outdone, Skittles researchers report their candies allow you to pee unicorns.
The WCAB has now issued another en banc opinion that the office candy jar constitutes the rendering of first aid.
*Disclaimer: This study was funded by The Great Pumpkin, the Easter Bunny, and the Mars Corporation.
It has now been discovered that the members of the Blue Man Group are impervious to spinal injuries.
…and that’s why the Smurfs have the lowest workers’ compensation premiums on the Cartoon Network.
Researchers also found that it was the blue dye in Viagra, not sildenafil citrate, that helped with erectile dysfunction.
The legislature has amended Labor Code 4604.5(d)(1) to allow a maximum of 24 ounces of M&M’s per industrial injury.
“Your honor, under Braewood v. WCAB (Bolton), Defendants must authorize the blue M&M’s in order to treat the underlying industrial condition.”
The Governor has added a new ballot measure that would replace the California MPN system with a new M&M based system.
One has to wonder which would have given Kafka a bigger headache – MPN’s or voice mail message systems. 12 Finding a medical provider within an MPN is no walk in the park. 3
I get frustrated when I need to find a medical provider within an MPN. If I’m very lucky, I get lost in a maze of badly laid out pages or meaningless search screens. If I’m not so lucky the MPN website has changed, moved, or no longer exists.
Researchers at the Keele University in England recently discovered that people report less pain when swearing. (Via Slashdot) And…cue the workers’ compensation jokes:
Q: Mr. Smith, what else helps alleviate your pain?
Q: Counsel, maybe we should go off the record for a moment…
“I need to get the spellings for a few words…”
“Uh, could you translate that again?”
Judge: Madam reporter, would you please read that back…
WHEREFORE the above and foregoing, Defendants respectfully pray that this Board grant reconsideration and find Applicant refused reasonable prescribed medical treatment and should therefore be denied temporary disability benefits.
“$ This search is outside your research plan.”
“Actually, a telephone conference with my doctor should be sufficient.”
“Where do I look this up under the ACOEM guidelines?”
“Just how the crap am I supposed to write the damn utilization review appeal for this one???”
“I’m sorry, doctor, I must have read this prescription wrong…”
“Why is this doctor prescribing a speech therapist for a back injury?”
“By the way, your nurse case manager is Andrew Dice Clay.”
“Although my level of disability was lowered after SB 899, I sure find that talking about it helps.”
“In other news, researchers in Nevada have found that gambling, hookers, and dry weather also reduce pain.”
I’m not really a workers’ compensation attorney, I’m really just a failed comic.