Spitzer - The Morning After
Spitzer - The Morning After

Okay, I’ve got good news and bad news.

Good news: The CERN LHC was fired up yesterday and the world didn’t end!

Bad news: If you followed any of my suggestions from the past few days, you might need some pointers on what to do now.1

  1. Give up smoking and drugs.
  2. You’ll need a new will and gym membership.
  3. You kept receipts, right?
  4. You’ll probably need to go back to renting an apartment.
  5. Work on your resume.  There’s no way your boss is taking you back.
  6. Get a good lawyer to deal with the DUI, solicitation, and federal wildlife protection charges.
  7. Face facts, you’re probably uninsurable now.
  8. Two words: credit counseling.
  9. Consider switching to a religion that offers absolution or papal indulgences.
  10. STD tests for everyone!

Something most of those CERN / LHC lawsuits forgot to mention is that even though the Large Hadron Collider was fired up yesterday, it won’t warm up to smash things together for a few weeks.  So, we’re not totally out of the woods yet…

(Too bleak for a Thursday?)

  1. End of the World Survival Guide, The End of the World: A To Do List. []

or…  The Apocalypse Can Be Fun!

Almost Midnight
Almost Midnight

Yesterday I mentioned how the CERN project is going to fire up its Large Hadron Collider on Wednesday September 10, 2008.  Several lawsuits have been filed (most in the US even though the project is located in Switzerland and France) to stop the machine from being turned on.  Here are some of the allegations:

  • It will create “strangelets” that will convert all other matter in the universe into “strangelets.”
  • It will create a black hole that will swallow up the Earth.

And, my PERSONAL favorite:

  • It will create a hole in space where where time becomes stuck in an infinite loop.

However infinitesimal, you have to admit the possibility that one of the above will happen.  Here’s a list of things you can do today to prepare for the world (maybe) ending tomorrow:

  1. Save your breath and don’t work out today.
  2. Eat fatty greasy salty food.  Garlic, onions, beans – go nuts!
  3. Take up smoking, drinking, and a drug of your choice.
  4. Tell your boss what you really think about them.1
  5. Leave work early today and don’t show up ever again!  (Or, kill two birds with one stone and do this at the same time as #4).
  6. Shred your will and cancel all insurance policies.
  7. Credit is your friend.  Apply for every line of credit you can.  Call your credit card company and see if you can raise your credit limits.
  8. Things to buy: an air horn, fireworks, a megaphone, a costume (favorite super hero, movie star, pirate, etc), a lot of champagne, and a beer hat.
  9. Book a caterer for tomorrow.  Sure, its last minute, but money is no object, right?
  10. Call your mom – she worries.

Be prepared to stay up late tonight and get up early tomorrow.  You’re not going to want to waste any daylight.  The next blog post will be at 5am. Set your alarm and check back here bright and early for your itinerary.

Get ready to party like its 1999.

  1. Steve, buddy, you gotta work on your golf game. []